Ex Rehab – How To Get Over Your Ex-Girlfriend Quickly
They say: “Time heals all wounds.“
I say, screw that! Life’s too damn short to spend years healing your broken heart.
I should know, I went through a soul-crushing breakup after walking in on my ex fucking a good-looking douchebag in my bed.
A life changing moment that would break any man.
I couldn’t sleep that night, my t-shirt stained with hot sweat and my tears pooling into my pillow.
Losing myself in self-pity and mourning took its toll but eventually the tears stopped.
But a deep pain tormented me for the next few years. It was difficult to keep at bay and when I ran out of energy, I would melt down.
Feeling demolished after a breakup will consume a your life for weeks, months or even years. Understanding your situation gives you a roadmap to recover faster.
Without it you might take too long to recover and miss out on some amazing experiences and relationships.
I know I did. I’m filled with regret for the time I wasted. Time I can never get it back.
I’m writing this because I did everything wrong after my breakup, but you don’t have to.
How do I get over a breakup instantly?
Short answer is, you can’t.
Long answer is, you can recover faster.
The fact that you can die from a broken heart means this process is complicated (study).
However, the first step on the road to recovery is understanding.
Why do you feel the way you do?
After you understand, then you can take steps to overcome it.
So let’s get right to it…
First off, you are addicted to her! Yes, like a drug.
Harsh words but on a biological level it’s true.
Falling in love is as much a physical reaction as it is an emotional one. The symptoms of which are: dilated pupils, sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat which are all physiological changes. Love is so powerful that if you look at an picture of your loved one while in a brain scanner you look like you are high on cocaine.
Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and relationship researcher, of brain chemistry and love, found that serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine are crucially involved in the initial stages of romantic love in much the same way as they are in cocaine use. (study)
This completely changed everything we thought we understood about romantic love.
Several of these same reward pathways are also found to be activated in people who are happily in love, as well as those whose love is rejected.
As if that wasn’t enough…
Heartbreak is real and it physically affects the heart. In 2005, researchers at Johns Hopkins Medicine reported that sudden emotional stress can cause severe weakness of the heart. Stress cardiomyopathy, nicknamed “broken heart syndrome,” (study)
I used to wonder:
“Why do I get depressed and confused every time I see my ex-girlfriend?”
“How do you get over your ex when you have to face her every day?”
Now I know that, much like going cold turkey after prolonged cocaine use, breaking up can cause real withdrawal symptoms.
Your ex-girlfriend’s smell is toxic
Pheromones… we have all heard about them, but what we didn’t know is what a huge impact they have on us.
Pheromones are powerful chemical signals that organise a wide range of the social behaviour in humans, such as sex, social dominance, aggression, and bonding of a mother and child.
In the T-shirt study conducted in 1995 by Swiss biologist Claus Wedekind, found the following…
A large group of female college students were asked to smell T-shirts that had been worn by male students for three nights, without deodorant, cologne or scented soaps. Overwhelmingly, the women preferred the odors of men with the most dissimilar MHC (major histocompatibility complex), a large gene region that controls the immune system response. (study)
What does this mean?
It means we are more attracted to people who are biologically a strong match with us. This pairing results in more healthy babies with stronger immune systems for fighting off infections.
This is why the number one advice about breakups is to stay away from your ex-girlfriend. Every time you smell her you are re-exposing yourself to her pheromones and getting re-addicted.
Detach from your ex!
So now you know why you need to stay away from your ex-girlfriend but the feelings are still there. Those voices in your head that say things like:
“How could I allow someone to treat me so horribly in the name of love?”
“Why didn’t I recognize that I was being exploited?”
“Did she even really love me?”
This type of thinking is pretty normal for guys post breakup. I’ve spent countless nights flip-flopping through feelings of love to hate and back again. It’s exhausting and pointless. The rollercoaster of different emotions goes by so fast you almost have no time to think.
To slow the ride down and catch your breath you need to focus on the detaching process.
How does one stop the inevitable infatuation, or at least manage it?
USE THIS DETACHMENT CHECKLIST:
1: Remove painful memory triggers. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex. A song, a smell, a sound, a place, photos and video.
Get rid of all of it.
Some guys can’t part with photos and video, I understand that very well. If that’s you then here is the next best option. Take all your photos and video and make a .zip file with a password that only you know. Give that file to your best friend and tell him to only give it back to you in 2 years. Delete all other copies of those images and video.
2: Keep your distance. Break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around her family members, delete her phone number, delete her e-mail, delete all text messages, un-friend her from Facebook and NO passing messages through mutual friends.
Q: How do I get over my ex if we see each other all the time?
A: Figure out a way to cut her out of your life. The more exposure you have to her the longer the heartbreak will last. Don’t torture yourself.
Why am I telling you to do all of this?
Pheromones are not the only thing that is affecting you.
People who were shown a photo of their loved one in an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) showed increased action in the reward areas of the brain directly associated with addiction.
When you look at an image of your ex-girlfriend you are going to trigger the part of your brain that is addicted to her. Reinforcing the addiction and prolong the pain.
Do your future-self a favor and get rid of all the things that are going to trigger any memories of her.
Your future-self deserves to be happy even if you aren’t right now.
How to think about the breakup.
Cut it off – End it and don’t go back.
Accept that it over – The girl that you loved is gone and she’s not the same person after you guys broke up.
Q: How is this possible?
A: Because of the brains RAS (reticular activating system)
How RAS works in a relationship:
If a guy did something wrong during the relationship her brain would completely overpower that small thing with all the good feelings and memories she has for her man.
Once a pivotal negative thing happens it can start a process making the RAS change focus to all the negative things about a guy’s personality.
She will collect and consolidate information for her new mental model called “reasons to breakup”.
Now her brain is a problem-seeking missile. Every small thing you do wrong gives her yet another reason to break up and dislike you.
Because of this she becomes a different person toward you. But only you. So it can’t go back to the way it was because you can’t convince her RAS to process data differently.
She changes but after the breakup you change too.
How you have changed
If you don’t hate her guts and want nothing to do with her then your RAS has changed too.
Guys start to focus on all the good aspects of the ex-girlfriend and not the negative ones. We edit our memories of the girl turning her into an unrealistically perfect girlfriend.
My friends would argue with me about how shit she treated me but I wouldn’t listen. I knew better. I knew her more deeply than they did. I was full of shit.
Distorting her memory to being perfect is a sign that you are holding onto the possibility that you might get back together with her. You are becoming needy.
When I became needy I made excuses for her. I justified her shitty actions. I pushed friends away who were offering me good advice. I thought that if she saw how dedicated I was to our love that somehow, love would prevail.
This is when guys make mixtapes/playlists, write songs/poetry and love letters and become soppy and mega needy. But filled with unrealistic love fueled confidence.
My ex-girlfriend noticed my new behavior and ran away as fast as she could.
Neediness just reinforces her dislike for you. Her RAS is already on the lookout for negative qualities and nothing makes a girl wanna vomit more than neediness.
Don’t walk down this path. It’s been traveled by millions of men all over the world and always ends in disaster. The movies are wrong you can’t win a girl back by being a lovesick mess. It only works in Hollywood.
Yes every romantic comedy is a lie! It was made to be entertainment for girls. It’s the same as action movies for boys.
If you are already on the path to becoming needy just walk away with as much dignity as you have left.
If you feel like reaching out to her with a letter or song…
Stop now dammit!
Living forward – turn the breakup into positive.
Use the opportunity to transform yourself for the next amazing woman that will come into your life. How can you make yourself better for your future girlfriend? How can Make yourself better so you don’t have the same problems again?
Learn from it but don’t go into self attack.
Before learning about “Game” and “Pickup” my breakup resulted in a WAR on myself.
I broke every aspect of myself down and rebuilt it. I don’t recommend this process. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I didn’t totally suck. Some things about my personality are awesome. I threw out the good with the bad and made myself feel much worse. It took years to recover from something that should only have been weeks or months
Don’t Learn From It To Go Back To Your Ex
Some guys don’t move on and years later still talk about her and text her. These guys become very bitter and even if they do meet another amazing woman they bring that bitterness into the next relationship. These guys produce a cycle of wrecking their own relationships without even knowing it.
Don’t look at your ex-girlfriend as evidence that girls are evil bitches. This will only hurt you more in the long term. Because it’s just not true.
Don’t want more! Don’t be greedy!
It’s like eating ice-cream. You know it will come to an end. And that’s ok. If you get greedy and try have more and more it becomes unhealthy. Breakups are the same way.
Don’t try and find a replacement for your ex. We tend to compare new girls to or ex. “my ex was hotter” “my ex was smarter” Etc etc.. All this achieves is being alone longer and making yourself more miserable.
The reason we do this is loyalty. During a relationship we form a bond and trust with our girlfriend. After the breakup our brain is in denial that it has ended. It’s still following a loyalty script. “Yea she’s super hot but my ex girlfriend has prettier eyes”
So it’s time to unwire all the loyalty scripts you have for your Ex.
Unwire Loyalty Scripts – To Do List
1: So you will compare other women to your ex but be mindful and try break the habit. This takes practice.
2: Put out of your mind that you will have a girlfriend for the next year. Treat everything as casual.
3: Have sex with new women.
The sex can feel like a betrayal to what you had with your ex girlfriend but without receiving new girl pheromones it will be harder to recover. That’s why rebound sex exists.
This might make you feel uncomfortable after you have sex. This is because your brain is still addicted to your Ex. Over time exposure to positive experiences with new women and their pheromones, will make you feel good again.
This is another reason why its mainstream advice to “Get back out there.” and “Get back on the horse.” This is because there is validity to these claims. Science is now able to back them up.
You Will Remember Her Through Rose Tinted Glasses
After enough time has passed with no exposure to your ex you will look back with fond memories. It’s much better to have memories that are not tainted with a tragic and humiliating end. So just walk away.
We carry all our past loves in our hearts forever. I still love my ex that cheated on me. Do I want to get back together with her after all this time? Hell no!
Something was not working in that relationship and that something was me. I had many faults and flaws and now I’m surprised it took so long for us to breakup.
After the relationship I became something gross. I can admit that now.
The girl who cheated on me became my best teacher. Neither of us knew it at the time but she forced me on a path of self-improvement that lead to some of the best relationships of my life. I would have never walked down that path had it not been for her. I’m truly and deeply thankful that she cheated on me because I am now a better man as a consequence.
By turning the microscope on myself I found many flaws that I didn’t know where there. Things I was blind too.
After I dealt with those things all my relationships improved. I was transforming myself into a better man.
I urge you to take the road less traveled and use your breakup to become a better man.
Because for those bad-asses who take massive action, rewards WILL come.
Do it for your future-self, he deserves it!
What you should take away from this article.
What you should take away from this is article is that men have a particular process we go through after we part ways with our ex-girlfriend.
There is no instant fix. It’s a process that will take time. You can speed up the process by taking certain actions as soon as possible.
Keep in mind that you are addicted to her smell and appearance. Any exposure to either will result in prolonged suffering and withdrawal.
Complete the following list:
1: Zero exposure to your ex.
2: Remove painful memory triggers.
3: Delete her phone number, delete her email, delete all text messages, un-friend her from Facebook etc.
4: Remember her mental model of you has changed (RAS). She is not the same girl you fell in love with.
6: Use this opportunity to learn more about women and what makes a successful relationship. Make yourself a better man for your future girlfriend.
7: Don’t try learn how to get better with women so you can get back with your ex-girlfriend.
8: Don’t compare new women to your ex-girlfriend. If you start doing it break the habit as fast as possible.
9: Put the idea of getting a new girlfriend out of your mind for 1 year.
10: Have sex with new women. The new girl pheromones will help the recovery process.
11: Even though you are hurting right now, do all these things for your future-self because he deserves it.
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Fisher, HE (2014) The Tyranny of love: Love addiction an anthropologist’s view.
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