Types of Tension Between Men and Women
Tension is generated between our friends and us when something goes wrong. Imagine you break your friend’s laptop. What kind of feeling do you both have?
This is negative tension.
We also have positive tension in the form or anticipation for something good that is going to happen, like a house party or holiday trip.
It’s important that we distinguish the difference between these positive and negative types of tension.
Whether you are seducing a woman or meeting her for the first time there can be positive or negative tension. It’s the man’s responsibility to generate positive anticipation instead of getting caught off guard and letting things become negative.
Taking ownership of the feelings generated in an interaction is the first step to being able to generate positive vibes instead of bad ones.
We need to be able to recognize awkward tension. If you can’t recognize it, you will probably generate it. Being able to see it in yourself and others is a skill. After you master it, you no longer generate awkward feelings and you can save others from awkward encounters.
Awkward tension is like a spotlight that shines only on those who have low social skills. The crazy thing is that they don’t even know it’s happening. The women in the room will look at each other and signal to each other to confirm that this guy “does not get it”.
- Not knowing what to do with your hands.
- Offering a handshake when the other person offers a fist bump.
- Getting caught staring at a stranger.
- Talking to another man at the urinal.
- Over sharing.
- Noticing food in someone’s teeth and not telling them and then realizing it’s too late to tell them.
All of these things are awkward. They make us cringe.
Breaking social expectations make us cringe.
Social etiquette is a set of unspoken laws that we all follow to keep in line with the groups expectations of us. If we stand out we might be seen as rude, gross, mean or annoying.
Better social cooperation and communication is why we evolved to feel awkwardness.
If you break the social norms and feel awkward about it the group will punish you, but also forgive you faster as you appear to feel remorse about your actions.
People that stick to the social norms test very high for pro-social behavior. They are kinder and more generous.
Even if you are not aware of breaking a social norm, awkwardness still arises. People around them feel uncomfortable, which is called vicarious embarrassment.
Vicarious embarrassment is a function of empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel what others feel or will feel if they realize what awkward behavior they have just done.
Awkwardness is super similar to physical pain in the brain. It activates the secondary somatosensory cortex and dorsal posterior insula areas of the brain connected to the processing of pain.
Our brains process the breaking of social standards and the breaking of limbs through similar neural pathways.
The sympathetic nervous system that deals with fight or flight is activated by social challenges. It is cases where awkwardness might be at stake or events where you are very aware of being watched. Like public speaking or embarrassing yourself in front of onlookers.
Your blood pressure rises causes you to overheat and sweat. Oxygen is needed for fight or flight too, so breathing increases and digestion shuts down causing nausea and butterflies in your stomach. Your body contracts in order to be ready to spring into action and your adrenaline is secreted making you shake. Your blood vessels constrict at your extremities leaving your hands and feet cold.
These recognizable symptoms of awkwardness are very easy for others to notice and respond too.
We evolved these responses to awkwardness because this behavior could mean getting kicked out of the tribe or being killed by its other members.
Following the group’s social rules has a direct impact on survivability.
Oxytocin is a neural transmitter that is sometimes called the love hormone. It’s responsible for positive social feelings like trust and attachment. But is also modulates fear and anxiety. It increases your ability to recognize fear and disgust. It is also involved in the feelings that make us approach or avoid certain social interactions.
It reinforces and makes you remember more of the negative social events then the positive ones. This is called negativity bias, which is a survival trait.
If you eat red berries that make you super sick, your brain is going to tell you “fuck eating red berries ever again”. This is an emotional reaction that is saving you from potential death.
The social form of eating red berries would be making the tribal leader feel awkward. He has the power and authority to banish you from the tribe or kill you.
In our current society our social interactions do not carry the penalty they did back when we were cavemen.
As much as you worry about yourself, and the impact you are making on other people’s lives, they are not having the same experience.
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
You might obsess about yourself but you are not what everyone else is obsessing about. They too are obsessing about themselves and how they are perceived.
By knowing about awkward tension you can quickly separate yourself from the big group of guys who “don’t get it”.
Then women are more likely to give you the time of day instead of rejecting you super quickly.
So let’s set the scene for awkward tension…
You get introduced to a girl at a party and you think you remember her name. With a staggering amount of confidence to call out to her in front of her friends. Everyone immediately knows what you have done. The tension is thick in the air as you realize that you have called out the wrong name.
What happens if you can’t read the crowd of people and see that you have made a mistake? You will just go about your business while the crowd all acknowledge to each other that “he doesn’t get it”.
This example is pretty simple but many guys miss obvious social cues and pay the price.
Men often get too caught up in needing to be right, and this sometimes blinds them to social cues that tell most people that they are being inappropriate.
Some of the common awkward behaviors are:
- Speaking too loudly
- Speaking too softly
- Laughing at something that is not funny
- Trying to be cool
- Trying to win an argument at all cost
- Covering up when you have made a mistake
- Not being honest
- touching people incorrectly
- bad eye contact
- Being unaware of other people’s discomfort/awkward feelings
If you master the ability to see and avoid awkward tension then interactions will become more fun and enjoyable. Women will see that you have social skills and give you opportunities that other men don’t get. Women will also let you make more mistakes because they know you are not always awkward.
Your life will change and evolve in ways that cannot be planned or explained. It’s like stepping into a portal and into another dimension that’s the same as this one, except your interactions with people are smooth and flow easily. You will experience change in your life in new and fascinating ways.
Misplaced Sexual Tension
Most guys fall into this category. Telling your female friend that you love them and she freaks out. A girl pulling away from a kiss with a disgusted look on her face.
All of these things (and more) are avoidable if you know and understand misplaced sexual tension.
Misplaced sexual tension with a girl will always result in rejection and some of the worst reactions women have to offer. The term “creep”, “weirdo” and “freak” are commonly used to describe guys who do this.
Simply put it’s a person who is trying to be seen as one thing in order to gain advancement.
You get placed at a work function at a table with girl who you have known for years. You have always thought she was attractive in the cutest way. She giggles when you sit down next to her. Your attention is immediately drawn to the fact that she is not wearing a bra under her quite loose fitting top.
The conversation continues and her nipples perk up as a brisk blast of air-conditioned air fills the room. You are getting more aroused by the situation and its possibilities. She reaches over the table and you get a perfect view of her one breast hanging.
You feel a tug in your pants but you can’t look away. She goes back to her seated position without knowing what you have seen. You got away with it. Then you sit patiently thinking of another possible reason for her to lean over the table.
She then leans over the table again and you become a little braver taking a peek down her blouse. She catches you and is furious!
She must have known that she was wearing a loose fitting top and no bra right? Isn’t it her fault?
From the girls perspective you just went from friendly colleague to creep… and here is the reason.
In her mind, you were just a friendly normal guy at the office. Not a sexual person or object of her desires or a fantasy. Just a “nice guy”.
The reason you have been turned into a “nice guy” (in her mind) is because you are not a sexually honest person. This may come as a surprise to some guys but being an out of the closet pervert is better than an in the closet one.
So portraying yourself as a “nice guy” and then all of a sudden you are getting sexual scares with women who thought they had a grasp of who you are. This makes them feel like they have been betrayed. You have been holding back the truth about who you are.
Then they become angry and bitter that you destroyed the friendship by hiding your feelings from her all this time.
What women are looking for is sexual honesty. Be honest about your sexual desires all the time, and then you won’t ever surprise women this way again.
This does not mean telling women every dark thought you have 24 hours a day. It means letting her know you see her as a sexual option.
When you let women know you are a sexual person and don’t hide it, things change.
Women start to treat you differently and say different things about you.
“Don’t mind him he’s just like that”
“He’s a playa so what do you expect?”
“He’s a naughty boy”
“He’s such a perv”
Most men see these things as negative. Even the possibility of being called one of these things gets some guys flustered.
The truth is women have called me a disgusting perv and teased me about it, then slept with me (for the first time) later the same day. Women saying these things about you does not diminish your ability to sleep with them. Being deceptive about who you are and your intentions will however.
All men know women are emotional creatures so don’t betray their emotions.
Inexperience VS Experience
You need to know that men with a lot of sexual experience will give girls dirty looks and tell them what they want to do to them. If done the right way women love it. Even if they don’t want to have sex with the guy.
So women use this to gauge if men have experience. If you are not being sexually honest you have less experience. She will then lump you into the “nice guy” group with the other guys with no experience.
This is a very effective way women separate men into these two different groups.
Just in case you were wondering… women want men with experience.
So the two categories are, “Nice guy” and “Sexually Experienced guy”. They don’t get excited by a man who does NOT know what he is doing.
“Nice guys” are not sexually honest. They hide their desires from women. They feel like their thoughts are dirty, bad or wrong. They think that their sexual advances are unwanted and undesired.
Sexually experienced guys tell women their desires and don’t hide their true intentions. They assume that their sexual desires are wanted and desired. They can behave this way because of experience. They have treated women in a very different way to most other men and gotten the results they were looking for.
You can start to behave like a sexually experienced guy without having all the experience.
You do this by addressing the reasons why you are being sexually dishonest.
- Why do you think your thoughts are dirty or perverted?
- Why do you believe your advances are unwanted and undesired?
- Why do you think women don’t like sex?
- If you realize that we are all animals and we all have these desires.
- The girl in front of you might reject you but another might enjoy you.
- Your body produces “happy hormones” when you are having sex and so does her body. Men and Women both have orgasms because if sex wasn’t fun, there would be ZERO people.
Overcoming this mental obstacle is very important. You will be seen and treated like a normal man instead of being forced into the “nice guy” group.
Once you are out of the “nice guy” group you will be treated like a regular man. Then you can develop your seduction skills free from being auto-rejected.
Positive Sexual Tension
We all want a beautiful girl to desire us. We all want that girl to have sex with us. The Gatekeeper of sex with any women is positive sexual tension.
When you are comfortable with letting a girl know that you see her in a sexual way, she will respond back playfully. Then you have the beginnings of flirting.
The letting a girl know you are interested, can be the sexy way you look at her. A funny sexual comment, playful banter, a touch or an obvious and deliberate move to raise the sexual tension.
It must however, come across without hesitation.
Eye contact while you are thinking sexual thoughts of what you would like to do to her, will convey a clear sexual message. You make it friendly by enjoying the moment you are sharing together. Enjoying all of her.
Telling a sexy story about what you are going to do to her when you get her alone. While having a playful tone in your voice.
Looking deep into her eyes with no hesitation and a happy/naughty smile on your face while you slide your hand from her knee toward her inner thigh slowly and deliberately.
Once you have grasped the basics you can start to practice this on women and after some time will not creep women out ever again.
Instead you will get positive comments. “He’s such a tease”, “he knows how to push my buttons” and “that boy gets me hot”
There are many ways to generate positive sexual tension. After mastering one method you can move onto the next until you have a large toolbox.
Tension in Flirting
Flirting is like porn to women. Being able to flirt is one of the keys to seduction.
Flirting is basically sexual innuendo. Its sub-communication (a layer of communication below regular communication). It’s hinting at what you are talking about without being direct.
“I’m gonna put my wiener in your buns.” ~ Hot dog vendor innuendo
“Can I butter your muffin?” ~ Waiter innuendo
“I’m going to inject you with my special fluid now!” ~ Doctor innuendo
“I had to come inside through the back door.”~ Delivery man innuendo
“You may be a cunning linguist, but I’m a master debater.” ~ Austin Powers innuendo
Sub-communication is how women communicate. Another example of sub-communication is a subtle side glance women give their friends to communicate “this guy is awkward and is creeping me out, please save me.”
Not so subtle example to illustrate the look
Sexual innuendo is the form of sub-communication we use to communicate our interest, be playful and naughty.
The reason girls like this form of communication is that to the untrained it looks like you are just having a regular conversation. So fewer people will judge her for being naughty and sexual.
Flirting is used throughout the courtship process and gets more intense the closer you are to the bedroom. This secret communication brings the man and women closer together like two little kids talking to each other in a language they invented. It’s a feeling of excitement, entertainment and is a bonding process.
You can really express your personality and sense of humor by applying this process to your game. You can say things that are pretty sexually direct and not get into trouble for it.
At the start of any interaction with a woman you like, there needs to be chemistry or you will be moving in the direction of the friend-zone.
Generating attraction in the first few seconds of meeting a girl is crucial to developing the relationship and extend the interaction.
The tension of attraction comes from starting the conversation and appearing to not be interested in the girl at first. With a slight feeling of being a little bit cooler than her.
She will become curious as to why you are not treating her the same as most other “nice guys”. This curiosity is like the fuse of the fireworks. She lights it, and then it’s your job to keep the interest burning long enough till the big show.
Pretending to not be interested in the first few minutes of the interaction makes you come across as though you are accustomed to being around beautiful women. It also sparks her curiosity as most guys broadcast their interest in wanting to have sex with her by being overly accommodating and kissing her ass.
Attraction starts after “hello”, and without this skill you will only ever “get lucky” with girls. I’m not a fan of waiting to win the lottery which is what is happening with guys who have not mastered this skill.
Becoming competent in this area prevents guys from falling into the dreaded friend-zone, extends the interaction and develops her curiosity for you.
Impending Sexual Interaction
Many men have experienced getting rejected at the “finish line”. You are in bed together and she says “no”.
The man panics and stops everything in his tracks.
Right before sex is about to take place the tension mounts. There is a moment of panic that all women have before saying yes to having sex.
Evolutionary they do this for two reasons:
1: They are testing to see if he will give up. (Testing for dominance)
2: In the wild there is threat of death or injury if a cavewoman resists a caveman too much. So this is more a kind of token resistance than real resistance.
Girls who really don’t want to sleep with you leave or ask you leave.
This is the most controversial aspect of game and is truly misunderstood by most people.
“Nice guys” believe that you should respect a woman and when she says no it means no.
To them I say this:
When I’m in a bad mood and sulking at home and my friends call me to say “hey we are going out tonight come with us”,
my reflex is to say “no” and that’s what I say. Even though my desire is for them to twist my arm and convince me to go out.
We are complicated creatures with complex behaviors and things are never as simple as yes and no.
When you next find yourself in bed semi or fully naked with a girl and she resists your advances don’t panic. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to sleep with you and has just figured it out at this very second.
It just means that things are progressing a little too fast for her and you should slow down and backtrack a little. So go back to what you were doing before she resisted you.
Enjoy each step of the process including her resisting your advances. It’s important that she is comfortable too. Her resistance is her way of regulating her comfort with you.
I must add this, so I get LESS hate mail.
If a women does request to leave and is adamant and angry at your advances then you have fucked up and should let her go immediately.
You want the communication to be that of understanding.
She says “no” or “not yet” or “uh uh”.
You say “I understand”, “ok” or “sure”.
Go back to the previous thing you were doing and keep doing that for 5-15 min. Then test the waters again by advancing and see if there is resistance.
Some guys are terrified of women saying no. Actually this behavior is mostly just token resistance but men are afraid of the consequences if it is not.
Men are afraid because they have been given partial information about this area of seduction, and not the whole picture.
This missing information causes much frustration in men’s lives.
Be gentle with each other; sex is supposed to be a beautiful exchange between two people.
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